shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
