now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
