I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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