I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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