I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize