I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize