Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
