just come out here and I will go home with you...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
