There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
