I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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