I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
True strength comes from lack of pants
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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