I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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