I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i believe in u and ur pee
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
