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your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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