this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
