I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
