You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
