I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
