I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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