i need an iv and a liver transplant
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just invented taco cereal.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
