Yo dont text me then not text me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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