2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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