I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
