I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
