did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
