there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
