It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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