In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
