he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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