You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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