Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
