Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
