remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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