We need to rekindle our bromance
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
