We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
