Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
