got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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