If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
