Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
