i just snorted my name. best moment ever
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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