she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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