I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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