I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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