I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
