In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
