who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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