Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
