I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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