i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
