just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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