my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
