it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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