I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
