i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
