Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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