she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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