why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
