My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
