she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
