I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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