Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
