I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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