just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Two words: blizzard sex
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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