True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
