Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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