fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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