i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
