I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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