I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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