I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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